Many students have written in to me seeking advice on a very complex and serious issue. It occurs for many of us at school, even daily for some people. It is often physically painful and can even be emotionally scarring. It’s necessary to live, but sometimes, it feels like it will be the death of us.

That’s right. Defecation. We all do it. And when you have to go at school, we often find ourselves in stinky situations.

When the time comes, it’s too late to turn back. We run to the restroom, hoping no other unfortunate souls are in the bathroom to witness the horrific passing of yesterday’s dinner. We lock the stall door only to hear the creak of the bathroom hinges open up once more to allow a victim to enter into their inevitable doom.

Panic fills the mind of the perpetrator. What should I do? Should I try to wait for them to leave? Should I cover up with fake coughing like last time?

There are only a few options. Time is running out. The bowels are only in control for so long. How should we go about this inescapable problem occurring on toilets across America?

The key comes in timing. Perfect timing is absolutely necessary to execute this mischievous operation. There are two different approaches. Some people choose to use the restroom during passing periods. There are tons of people in there, providing plenty of noise to cover up your secret bodily functions. Another method is to go during class, when it is likely that the bathroom will be empty. But be forewarned – there is still a possibility that another bathroom-goer will have the same idea as you and occupy a stall at the same time.

Good luck to all the voyagers braving the bathroom stalls this school year. May the noise be with you.