You’re on the eve of your 30th birthday. As you’re blowing out the candles on your birthday cake, you remember telling your friends on your 29th that if you didn’t get married by the end of this year, you were just going to find the closest person possible and pair off with them. To be the only one not flashing off a fancy new diamond ring at your get-togethers is a crime. And guess what? Even though you forged relationship after relationship, you’re not throwing your wedding shower quite yet. So now it’s time to grab the first person you see by the shoulders and bind your relationship deep into holy matrimony.

Growing up, the idea of marrying rarely crossed my mind. My parents were divorced by the time I was 5, so for a while, I was going back and forth between households where one person had to reign as both the paternal and maternal figure. My parents married each other very close to the age that I am now. The difficulties they experienced in their relationship were enough to make me realize that I never want to make the same mistakes they did. Maybe that’s why I try to be so careful in the relationship department. But I have never felt the need to let the idea of being in a relationship rule over my life. I have never felt the need to let others validate me.

A friend of mine once let a relationship dominate almost every aspect of her life. Though she was constantly fighting with her boyfriend (who, notably, did not treat her so well), she explained to me, “It’s better to be in a relationship than not to be.”

Why is that? When observing behaviors in society, I’ve noticed that being single is very much frowned upon. On television shows, I commonly see groups of women holding out their hands and comparing their rings, all eyes going to the one girl who’s yet to find herself a partner. Love doesn’t matter – only status. But isn’t love supposed to be what marriage is all about? I always sit there and wonder, “Why is that such a big deal? If she’s single, she’s single. She’ll find someone when she finds someone.” Loving someone is one thing; the idea of being in love is another.

I get it just as well as anyone – we all want someone to kiss us, to tell us that we’re beautiful. But I’ve seen people who make a big deal of it in front of their friends, people who flaunt their relationships every which way. There is absolutely no point in this. Relationships are not status symbols.

To most people, being single is saying that nobody likes you enough to pair off with you. To me, it says that you don’t need someone to validate you. You’re independent. You’re strong on your own. This isn’t to say that you lose strength by being in a relationship. If anything, it takes a lot of guts to make a commitment with someone and to trust them. But you shouldn’t need to be in a relationship just to feel complete.

Everybody makes that mistake, believe me. I knew a girl who faithfully dated one of her best friends for quite a while before they finally broke the relationship off, even though you couldn’t define this relationship as healthy. She let this person treat her like dirt for such a long time. She couldn’t have been more miserable if she had tried, and yet she continued the relationship.

And why did she put up with this for so long? I asked her this question out of complete curiosity. She explained that she didn’t want to be alone. Going into a relationship seemed like a good idea at the time, but she realized dealing with that mess was hurting her more than helping me.

Giving relationships a chance to be part of your life is important, but I don’t want to let others define me as a person. I am not owned by somebody else. I have my own unique talents. I have my very own strengths and weaknesses. I have my own identity, and I don’t need it to be exemplified by somebody else. It’s the past experiences of others that make me want to do this right when the time comes.

Relationships are great when you’re happy in them, but I’ll never let one completely rule my life. I’m an individual. I know I can be happy on my own until it’s time for me to open up my life to somebody who enjoys sharing it with me.