I have an announcement for all you girly girls out there. Yes you, the girls who spend your weekends on the couch with your mouths open drooling over how hot Ryan Gosling is. And you girls, who spend your nights soaking your old tattered copy of the Dear John in your tears as you sob through the story for the 57th time. And then you, boy from my English class sophomore year, who knew more about The Notebook than all the girls combined. If you are one of these girls (or boys- I won’t judge) and would like to subject yourself to hours of flailing, crying and curling up in a corner in the fetal position, then I have an announcement for you.

Less than a year after the release of the movie adaptation for the Lucky One, Nicholas Sparks is promoting yet another tear jerking, heartbreaking romantic movie adaptation for Safe Haven. And if you want to undergo even more emotional upset, you can subscribe to the Nicholas Sparks mailing list! That way even your iPhone, tablet, laptop or other electronic can kindly remind you that the next installment of heartbreak city is only four months away and that you can pre-order your heartbreak early. Nicholas Sparks, the emotional terrorist is everywhere, even your notifications.

Have you ever taken a look at all the Nicholas Sparks movie edition books side by side at a store? If not, I highly suggest that the next time your mother drags you off to Wal-mart to shop for pointless made-in-China products, stop by the book section and check out the Nick Sparks novels. You’ve got Liam Hemsworth almost kissing Miley Cyrus, Ryan Gosling almost kissing Rachel Mcadams and Zac Efron and Channing Tatum  doing the exact same thing with other mildly famous women. Really, they could be an entire series called White People Embracing. More than just white people have love stories, Nick.

But anyway, For those of you ignorant, loveless people who live under a rock, Nicholas Sparks is known for taking the exact same cookie cutter plot and putting the exact same mundane characters into the exact same setting. He waves his magic wand, changes the names and poof! You have a novel. But somehow, with every single novel, he manages to get you to buy emotional stock in the love life of the characters.

He’s become wildly popular feeding the love-hungry souls of the female population. You get caught up in the sweet romantic dates and the first kiss and just about every single other thing that would never happen in real life. And as soon as everything just seems perfect…bam! He does something insane, like break the characters up. No, that’s really not insane. But still, you get a little choked up.

Some people may emit a squeaking sound of terror, others may cry and some may simply skip to the end of the book and read the epilogue. But those who aren’t wise cheaters and choose to read all the way through have unknowingly just subjected themselves to the unlawful persecution of love. This includes everything from drowning the main character to sending one off to war to reincarnating another as a goose. Yes, a goose. However, no geese were harmed in the making of that book. Hopefully.

I would classify Nick Sparks novels under “cruel and unusual punishment.” My solution to Nicholas Sparks’ terrorism? Read Edgar Allan Poe stories, where everything is dark and depressing and everybody dies. No surprises there. Afterward, sit and contemplate why life isn’t a fairy tale love story. Then go get counseling. You’ll need it.