Review: Breathing fire
Spicy meals for bland foodies
December 29, 2020
I can appreciate the idea of spicy foods. They can help flush out the digestive system and provide a rush while enjoying lunch. However, as a fan of the bland, I despise any level of spice. So, knowing that I can’t stand it, I gave myself an ulcer reviewing spicy foods. It was suffering with a hint of fun.
To gauge just how much spice I could handle, I turned to the most spicy thing on the school lunch line: Spicy Doritos.
At first, all I could taste was the dust on the chip. There was a hint of lime on top of the normal taste of a Dorito. There was a nice crunch, and it tasted like a better nacho cheese Dorito. This made me think I had developed a tolerance to spicy foods. Just as I had that little burst of confidence, the chip started excreting its pain chemicals.
I thought swallowing it would ease the pain, but it only spread the fire to my throat. The extreme pain didn’t last very long, but a lighter heat lingered for half an hour. During that time, if I so much as chewed anything, it reignited the fire. Overall a great start to my misery.
Chick-fil-A: Spicy chicken sandwich
The Chick-fil-A spicy chicken sandwich was spicier than I can normally handle, but it was delicious. The restaurant’s famous lemonade helped reduce my pain.
Heat: 3/5
Quality: 4/5
Chick-fil-A: the restaurant students simp for and the home of the Spicy Chicken Sandwich, a twist on my favorite peanut oil fried chicken sandwich.
There was a moment of hesitation on the first bite. I tasted my regular chicken sandwich with a small hint of pepper. The colby jack cheese added a nice touch.
After a period of 30 seconds, the heat gradually turned up. Before I knew it, I was sweating profusely.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that if I swallowed fast enough, the heat wouldn’t get to me in time. It was easy going from there, until the last bite. The heat hit while the food was still in my throat. By this point, I had run out of my delicious Chick-fil-A lemonade. So I was forced to sit there and let the spice burn my vocal cords.
Although eating the sandwich was a painful experience, it was still delicious, especially when paired with Chick-fil-A’s iconic waffle fries. The breading gave the chicken a nice crunch while still keeping it moist and the bread was warm and buttery.
The spicy Chick-fil-A sandwich is a great meal for anyone who can handle more spice than me and is willing to wait in the never-ending line at the drive thru.
Chipotle: Chicken burrito
Although Chipotle’s chicken burrito wasn’t the spiciest food I tried, the seasoning still gave it a kick. The restaurant’s custom meals makes it a good option for anyone.
Heat: 2/5
Quality: 4/5
Maybe I wasn’t specific enough when I said “hold the seasoning” while ordering my Chipotle chicken burrito, because when I bit into that blanket of meat, cheese and lettuce, I got the shock of my life.
At first, all I could taste was a nice, warm tortilla and some cheese and lettuce. Then, everything changed when the fire nation attacked.
In an instant, my mouth was set ablaze with a hint of salt. As I tried to mask my pain, I took a sip of water, thinking that would quench the heat. It turns out, the water was like gasoline to the fire. Before long, it turned to relentless arson.
As it went down my esophagus, it continued to wreak havoc. It felt like I had just swallowed a flaming knife like I was on “America’s Got Talent.”
Though the spice was too much for me to handle, the burrito was still great. Chipotle’s warm flour tortillas helped reduce the spice. The chips, lightly dusted with salt and a hint of lime, were great too.
Chipotle is known for having countless options when it comes to ordering your burrito or bowl, so everyone can find something they’d enjoy. The chicken alone was almost enough to make me tap out, but if you like your food a little more flavorful than I do, you can try their steak or add salsa to your meal.
Palio’s Pizza: Frank’s buffalo chicken pizza
Frank’s buffalo chicken pizza from Palio’s was easily the spiciest thing I reviewed. However, the pizza still tasted good.
Heat: 5/5
Quality: 3/5
Frank’s Buffalo Chicken Pizza was a foreboding sight in the middle of the table. Featuring “Frank’s Red-Hot Cayenne Pepper Sauce,” it was a terrifying dish for a spice-hater to even think about.
There was a subtle buttery flavor behind the cheese and sauce. The crust had a nice crunch to it, and the overall pizza had a light hint of salt. It was the best Italian pie I had ever consumed. Then, the heat hit me like a freighter.
My mouth was set ablaze with the heat of the sun. I had to do everything I could to mask the pain, but I’m sure it only made me look more uncomfortable. Tears welled up in my eyes as I choked the bite down. All the while, people in the restaurant looked at me in a mix of humor and confusion.
This pizza was the spiciest and most painful thing I ate, but it’s hard to regret it when the toppings and crust were so good. Besides, how often is it that you can order a pizza with hot sauce instead of tomato?
Sub Zero: Nitrogen ice cream
Sub Zero’s nitrogen ice cream is a great option if you’d rather enjoy a treat that won’t bring you physical pain or you need a remedy for your burning tongue after eating something spicy.
After going through that pain for these reviews, I needed something to make up for this week of ulcers and an excuse to eat a delicious dessert. So, I visited Sub Zero.
Sub Zero is an ice cream parlor that freezes their desserts with liquid nitrogen. When you walk into the shop, the first thing you notice is the giant liquid nitrogen tank at the side of the room. The leftover gas from the tank flowing through the windows by the ice cream is a nice touch.
The ice cream itself wasn’t necessarily a cooldown from the heat, but it was a nice way to end this ordeal. There was a perfect amount of milk added to it, and the ice cream had a perfect frozen outer layer. I also loved that you could customize your order with different flavors and toppings. This makes Sub Zero a great place for anyone who would rather skip the heat.