S TIER
Birds Aren’t Real
Very random in terms of other conspiracy theories. We can all postulate about the government watching us but birds being drones? Iconic. The official conspiracy theory website sells merch that is well made, fun and comes with a membership card, so everyone can know you’re insane. And because this is such a far stretch to the imagination, the team puts in a crazy amount of effort, creating fake historical documents to hype up the bird drone lore. The most ironic part is the site’s creator also advocates for fact checking what you believe. Really cool theory and community overall.
Winchester House
The owner of this house, Sarah Winchester, girlbossed so incredibly hard. Her husband built rifles and the family owned a gun business, so they were filthy rich and their house was huge. After her husband died and spooky stuff started happening around the house, Sarah consulted a medium who told her that her house was haunted.
Sarah went, “All right, my house now,” and then started some funky construction throughout the mansion to confuse the ghosts. There were doors that opened to sheer drops from the second story, stairways that led to non-existent floors, and secret passages. And this never stopped — she had constant construction going on in the house, so it was always changing until she eventually passed. The mansion is still standing in San Jose, California, and you can tour it. (Ferb, I know what we’re doing this summer.) but the lore around it is pretty incredible, and my girl Sarah here knew what was up.
A TIER
Fresno Nightcrawlers
These guys right here are my number ones. In 2017 this guy checked his security cameras and saw what he called “walking pants” in his yard and, reasonably, got freaked. He took the footage to a little conspiracy place and they were like, “That’s pretty weird, my guy,” and eventually it got uploaded online and people were obsessed. Many were intrigued by the odd creatures, and they became cryptids among the likes of Mothman and the Loch Ness Monster. They take walks in the moonlight with their friends and look like elongated teeth. I adore that. While they’re lesser-known, Nightcrawlers are very cute, very mysterious, and just neat overall. They are just little guys, like me.
C Tier
Illuminati
I swear that no one actually knows what the Illuminati does. All we know is that it’s a secret group, but what kind of secret group? Is it an underground society full of old rich White men? A DnD game gone wrong by the involvement of dark forces? We just don’t know. The vagueness of the whole theory makes it mid. What’s the difference between the Illuminati and me recreating the cave meetings in “Dead Poets Society” but requiring everyone to wear cloaks with a triangle symbol? Nothing. The Illuminati did, however, inspire Bill Cipher and I am quite the fan of that.
D TIER
Flat Earth
There is no excuse in 2022 to believe the earth is anything but round. Because this theory just dusts off outdated science and calls it a conspiracy, it has got to be the most mindless one of all. My man Copernicus, this famous mathematician from 16th century, fought the church and got #canceled to prove that the earth is spherical, and you want to play take backsies with science? No. I deplore you. It is nonsensical to think that you’re in danger of falling off the edge of the world.
