Let’s be honest, high school is boring. So why on Earth would you spend your formative years studying and sober when you can give into peer pressure? Have the time of your life breaking the law and stunting your brain development. Drugs today are more innovative, fun and risky than ever. So we think you should be armed with the information to take part in your drug use in the best ways possible!

Nicotine: 

If you’re interested in an addictive substance that can burn away the money in your pocket while burning a hole in your lungs, then vaping is for you. Thanks to convenience and targeted marketing, vaping has made nicotine one of the most accessible and common substances used by teens.

To get these delicious flavors, your run-of-the-mill vape can include flavorings such as diacetyl. This chemical can’t be digested by your lungs so it can build up and cause the condition, Popcorn Lung. This artificial flavoring, also found in popcorn flavorings, infects, inflames, and scars the smallest airways in the lungs, leading to trouble breathing and a persistent cough. If you’re going to inhale these harmful chemicals we recommend getting the most appealing flavors you can find. Why would you risk lung disease for some boring mint flavor when you can rip a watermelon-mango-raspberry-ice vape instead? If you’re gonna become a hopeless nicotine addict with lung disease, your vape should at least taste good.

But if breathing in artificial flavors doesn’t sound appealing to you, consider taking up smoking cigarettes. 

They can make you look cool and you will barely even notice the slow build up of tar in your lungs, so light up kids! The real kicker is that lingering smell though, what a pain.

If you don’t like to light up, you can always take up chewing tobacco. The brown teeth, mouth cancer and cups full of your nasty spit are a huge social boost that’ll make everyone wanna be your best bud.

Weed:

Speaking of best bud, weed has been the substance of choice for teens who want to escape their boring, suburban life for decades. 

We recommend lighting your joints, blunts, bongs, or pipes with a lighter so you can make sure you’re breathing in butane and other harmful chemicals along with the carcinogens from the burning flower.

After smoking, you can enjoy your lasting cough and burning  lungs along with an overwhelming appetite that will decimate your parents’ pantry. Not to mention the feelings of paranoia. Then there are those who will judge you for your obvious red eyes and decreased motor skills. But just forget about all that, sit back, relax and ignore your problems.

Now if you want to feel paranoid, hungry, unmotivated and tired for the whole day, we highly recommend edibles.

Or maybe you want to inhale black market vape juice that some sketchy dude in the bathroom “totally” got from his friend in “Colorado.” If so, consider buying a THC dab cartridge. It’s most likely filled with laced mystery wax that could include embalming fluid or laundry detergent along with other substances to mimic the effects of THC. PCP, heroin, LSD, and methamphetamine have been found in lab tests for THC cartridges. So it’s a really convenient way to get hooked on hard drugs too. No matter which method you choose for your cannabis, the brain damage and loss of short term memory, especially in teens, is totally worth the good times.

Alcohol:

Eh, it’s not a real drug. It’s only addictive, kills your brain cells and destroys your immune system, but the social benefits of becoming a filterless jerk and doing stupid things you’ll regret the next day and possibly for the rest of your life are totally worth it.

Pills:

Stealing prescription pills is fine and dandy but buying them off the street is where the real fun is. The best part of pills is the risk. It’s like a game of Russian Roulette in that pills laced with fentanyl are nearly identical to the real thing. Law enforcement say a chemical test is essentially the only way to tell the difference. The gamble of potentially poisoning yourself and overdosing is a real rush. And being addicted to gambling and drugs is really living life to its fullest.

So follow these guidelines the next time you want to take part in underrage, illegal, destructive substance usage. You only live once, so get out there and shorten that life span with drugs!