I can’t say that my older sister has changed my life because I have never known a life without her. She is always there for me when I need her the most. Now, it’s my turn to buckle down and support her.

About one year ago at age 19, Emily was diagnosed with a disease that is part of the “bad gene pool” in my family – ulcerative colitis. Similar to Crohn’s disease, it causes inflammation in the small intestine and colon. The disease took its toll on her, causing her to take pills that drove her body through a roller coaster of weight gain and weight loss. But Emily endured it all with a smile that fooled me into thinking she was fine.

Emily, you weren’t fine.

You spent two weeks in the hospital after you were diagnosed. I wish I was by your side every day. I wish I held your hand through the pain and spooned food into your mouth when you couldn’t. But I didn’t.

After seeing your skeleton body lying on the hospital bed helpless, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t see you so vulnerable. I couldn’t watch you become more powerless every day as more medications were pumped into your body through veins in your bruised arms.

So I didn’t watch. I didn’t visit you after the first day because you weren’t my older sister anymore. You couldn’t be there for me and I got scared. I was selfish.

It wasn’t until you collapsed on the bathroom floor of the Texas Presbyterian Hospital at 3 a.m. unable to breathe, unable to speak and unable to move or function, that I realized you were strong because you were still alive.

When you were finally released from the hospital, you were weak from losing 27 pounds in two weeks. Swallowing 17 pills a day and watching your diet now consumed your life. We went back to our usual relationship when you were released.

After a severe kidney infection landed you in the hospital a few months later, you just cracked jokes about what illness would attack you next. You made me discover that only the strongest people in this world truly live.

I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to watch as you lay helplessly in pain. I’m sorry I was too selfish to drag myself to the hospital for you. But most of all, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most.

I can’t stand to think about what I would do without you. Because not only are you my older sister and mentor, you are my best friend.