Facebook statuses like this have been filling up my news feed for the past few weeks. It’s only September and everyone already has “senioritis.” It seems like everyone’s ready to get out of Flower Mound and live a life of their own. Everyone except me.

When I was younger, I dreamed of going to Yale and becoming a lawyer. I wanted to graduate at the top of my class and go on to fight for justice like my heroes on Law and Order: SVU. B’s weren’t good enough, I only had room for A’s on my report card. I was determined to be the brightest and the best.

But somewhere along the way, I lost that drive. I stopped caring about homework. The B’s and C’s that I had hated so much now filled my report card. I started turning things in later until eventually I stopped turning them in at all. I wasn’t worried, though. I could always make it up in high school. As far as I was concerned, Yale was still within my reach.

My lack of motivation didn’t disappear in high school like I thought. Though I was still mainly a B student, my grades weren’t nearly as high as I wanted them to be, but I kept telling myself that I’d make it up later.

Now it’s my senior year, and I’ve barely made the top quarter. I haven’t even looked at an application for fear that it’s all for nothing. There’s so many things I dread about college that make it difficult for me to understand how anyone can be excited about it. By leaving I’d be giving up my home, the people I love and the life I’ve built for myself here in Flower Mound will all be gone.

Yale is no longer an option for me. The dream that used to mean so much has finally moved out of my grasp. I could apply to other colleges, but I’m terrified of being rejected.

If I went the college route, I could apply to as many schools as I can and hopefully get into one that I’ll like. Once I got there I could start putting effort into my work and make up for all the years of slacking. I’ve always wanted to be more independent, and maybe college could help. Maybe I’d fall in love with college life.

If I stayed home, I could get a job and make friends here. I could work from the bottom up to where I want to be. The majority of my social circle would have gone off to college somewhere, leaving me alone and bored, but maybe the friends I’d make at work would make up for it. Maybe I’d be better off staying here.

I’ve always liked to be in control, so having everything up in the air and undecided is really hard for me. I do know that for what I want to do, I need to go to college. I also know that I’d be miserable at home if everyone else was gone.

I know that it’s ok for me to feel like this. I’m sure there are other people feeling the same way. The only way to stop feeling like this is to take a chance and get it over with. Whatever I do, I know I’ll be fine.

Everyone else is ready to go. Maybe I will be, too.