Look, we’re all tired of empty New Year’s resolutions. Every year, we have “A Christmas Carol”- type epiphanies at the beginning of January and write in our journals about how we’re going to turn it all around for the new year. But old habits prevail, and we always end up skipping the elaborately planned workout routine and ordering every meal off the Dollar Menu.
But this year, we’re all tired of being musty and crusty. So we’re trying to level up. More specifically, we’re all trying to become That Girl.
The That Girl aesthetic is characterized by healthy eating, working out, and flawless morning and night routines combined with overall positive energy. Being That Girl means having your life together.
Influencers and brands have profited off the trend, selling stylish workout clothes and juice cleanses like they’re the key to happiness. And that’s because they are.
Reducing your life to an aesthetic won’t just solve all your problems from 2022 — it’ll help you live your best life in 2023.
After weeks of meticulous research, I have formulated the basic four tenets of the That Girl lifestyle: wellness routine, outfit, skincare and workout routine.
Skincare
You can’t be That Girl without good skin. How are you going to manifest becoming an NBA wife if you look dusty?
You need soft, glowy skin, and you can get that with the viral snail mucus serum. But because it sells for nine bucks an ounce on Ulta, try harvesting it yourself.
Stow away on a flight to Africa with nothing but a Stanley cup and a canteen full of oat milk. As you hike through the savannah, spear Great African Land Snails and put them in your knapsack.
When you get back to the states, create a habitat for the snails in your backyard, harvesting their slime weekly for a four-in-one natural moisturizer, sunscreen, skin serum and toner. The snails are an invasive species and will probably take over the greater north Texas area because of your actions, but it’s worth it to get that morning glow for cheap.
For makeup, try the Hailey Bieber makeup technique and only use Rare Beauty products. And to get that natural glow even in the winter, splurge on some Drunken Elephant tanner.
Wellness Routine
We’ve all seen the “get ready with me” videos that begin with a girl slowly sitting up in her bed with a perfect messy bun, yawning like she hasn’t been up doing her makeup for hours. That will be you this year. You will be the one starting the day with pre-brushed hair.
After you wake up with the sunlight aesthetically filtering through your window, write positive affirmations in your journal. After months of writing nice things about yourself in a book and acting like you’re grateful, you will convince yourself that you’re Bella Hadid.
Follow up these affirmations with Pilates because you don’t want to be like everyone else and do yoga. Then, take a nice cold shower.
Cold showers are the key to becoming That Girl. They tighten your pores, wake you up in the morning and most importantly, improve your mental health. The minutes standing under the shower are torture, but the freshness you feel after the pain and suffering is worth it.
I once read that people who take hot showers rely on the water’s warmth to compensate for their lack of meaningful relationships. That won’t be you this year. To prove that you have friends, bully yourself into standing under freezing water.
Outfit
If you don’t have what it takes to actually become That Girl (not all of us have it in us to take cold showers), you should at least look the part. The key is neutrals.
Throw away anything in your closet that isn’t white, black, gray or beige-brown. Then, create a Lululemon account and buy an entire wardrobe of neutral workout sets. Drain your trust fund.
Wear these workout sets everywhere — school, church, jogs outside in the freezing cold. Wearing a sports bra and leggings literally everywhere might get uncomfortable, but it’s worth it for the aesthetic. If you’re that cold, throw on a Fabletics jacket and pair the outfit with some slide-on Uggs.
Host a sleepover with one of your friends just so you can steal her Stanley cup and say she lost it at your house. It’s imperative that you have your new Stanley cup in hand at all times because it’s your most important accessory.
For extra accessories, buy chunky gold hoop earrings and plastic claw clips. Or if you want your hair down, a headband that makes you look like the Y2K Daphne from “Scooby Doo”.
Workout Routine
From what I’ve gathered from hours of sepia-toned “day in my life” YouTube videos, gorgeous gorgeous girls don’t just work out. They stretch aesthetically.
Roll out a yoga mat in your bedroom and start the day with a convoluted mix of Pilates stretches and Zumba moves. From the outside, it will look like you know what you’re doing. Spend a full hour cracking your back.
Then, get a sip of lemon water from your Stanley and cool down with even slower stretches. Make sure that you’re wearing your Lulu workout set and FILAs for maximum comfort.
Influencers always end their workouts by lifting their arms up to the ceiling and sighing contentedly as they bring them back down. It wouldn’t hurt to try that, too.
And that’s it! After that intense workout, reward yourself with another refreshing cold shower.
